Who am I?

Dear life,

For the past 45 years (am I really that old?) I have been moving through my lifes journey. I went to school, I moved countries, got married and moved forward in my career. I've been lucky. Although there have been up's and down's in life nothing has been insurmountable and these events have not defined me in any way other than to polish who I am. And there's the issue... who am I?

Yesterday I had a deeply disturbing discussion with an executive coach with whom I have been working. She said that I "present" an outward image and that when chinks start to appear that I don't react well. It's only ever when others notice, not if I self call it out. It's about trying to control what others see. Whoa. The problem I have is that I wasn't even aware that I was doing that. So that leads me to the next disturbing question. Could I really lack the degree of self awareness to see myself honestly?

According to her yes. And based on my teary reaction (sigh) maybe she's right. She has a theory that for whatever reason I have put up thick huge doors between the real me and the world. She believes it's a human survival mechanism - I did what I had to do. In order for me to be a better manager, a better person, I need to deal with whatever the elephant behind the door is.

I have to tell you, this stuff scares the crap out of me. I am not sure that I want to know. What if I do find out that something "happened" and I can't deal with it? What if I don't like the "real" me, if there is such a thing? What if, in the process I screw up and impact my work situation? What if...

Sometimes I feel so incredibly alone. This is not how a women my age, with my background and my intelligence behaves. And maybe therein lies part of the problem - I have this image of what should be, instead of what is. I don't know.

The only question left in my mind now is am I willing to take the next step and can my current life sustain me taking that step?