Dear life,
For the past 45 years (am I really that old?) I have been moving through my lifes journey. I went to school, I moved countries, got married and moved forward in my career. I've been lucky. Although there have been up's and down's in life nothing has been insurmountable and these events have not defined me in any way other than to polish who I am. And there's the issue... who am I?
Yesterday I had a deeply disturbing discussion with an executive coach with whom I have been working. She said that I "present" an outward image and that when chinks start to appear that I don't react well. It's only ever when others notice, not if I self call it out. It's about trying to control what others see. Whoa. The problem I have is that I wasn't even aware that I was doing that. So that leads me to the next disturbing question. Could I really lack the degree of self awareness to see myself honestly?
According to her yes. And based on my teary reaction (sigh) maybe she's right. She has a theory that for whatever reason I have put up thick huge doors between the real me and the world. She believes it's a human survival mechanism - I did what I had to do. In order for me to be a better manager, a better person, I need to deal with whatever the elephant behind the door is.
I have to tell you, this stuff scares the crap out of me. I am not sure that I want to know. What if I do find out that something "happened" and I can't deal with it? What if I don't like the "real" me, if there is such a thing? What if, in the process I screw up and impact my work situation? What if...
Sometimes I feel so incredibly alone. This is not how a women my age, with my background and my intelligence behaves. And maybe therein lies part of the problem - I have this image of what should be, instead of what is. I don't know.
The only question left in my mind now is am I willing to take the next step and can my current life sustain me taking that step?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Deep Freeze
While much of North America is living through an unusual deep freeze, I think I can honestly say that the coldest temperatures are right here in my home. We are not talking. Hubby is sleeping on the sofa. I am not sleeping well.
Sigh...
Sigh...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Is the end really close?
Dear life,
Things are terribly confusing right now. I do not know who I am and I do not know what I want. What I do know is that I do not want this. I do not like you very much life and that is so very difficult for me to write. I am an optimist by nature. I believe in good. I believe in people. I have lost the ability to believe in myself.
So what is this? What is "THIS" that I do not like?
I don't know even where to start - it's going to sounds like a big fat whine but I need to articulate it before I can deal with it. Right now it's all in my head and quite frankly my head is full... I cannot take in any more.
So a dump first. A list of things that I don't like and then a chance to reflect. This is not about being pretty - this is about saying the words.
1. My husband is an angry man. He has extreme views about his world and is vocal about them. He releases anger as a way to release stress. Confrontation and displays of anger create stress for me. While he is releasing, I am absorbing.
2. We do not communicate well. We never have. I filter information so as to not upset him. I do not share my fears/concerns because I don't want to upset him (ie have him become angry). This results me in shouldering much of the concerns for our family and our finances. It keeps me up at night.
3. I have become resentful. I feel put upon. I feel alone. It is an ugly feeling that I am struggling to let go of but I don't know how. Most of my resentment comes out when dealing with Mr 16. He is a selfish self centred boy. Some would say that is normal for this generation but that does not make it acceptable to me.
4. On a irregular basis hubby will say that he wants out of the marriage. It's usually in reaction to something small that has been building. I used to fight to not have that happen. I would fight to save the marriage. I do not want to fight any more. I am ready to walk away. I never expected marriage to be easy but I don't think that it needs to be this hard. I feel like I have normalized what is really a very dysfunctional marriage and that is now starting to be not ok.
5. I feel like I have lost myself during the last 13 years. By nature I believe that good will triumph evil, I see beauty where others don't, I see opportunity when things look bleak, I love the challenge of making things good. My husband does not have the same faith. He sees the darkness, he sees the stupidity, he looks for the downside. I am not saying that it's not there. I am not a pollyanna by any means but I don't believe that these things, for the most part, rule. I need to have hope. After all, what else can you truly have.
6. I do not like me. I have lost the ability to be spontaneous... a little voice is always whispering in my ear that I need to do the responsible thing. I have lost the ability to laugh. I can not articulate what brings me true joy other than feeling my daughters arms around me and hearing her say the words "I love you". I am resentful. I have abdicated responsibility for my health. It's almost like I am making purposeful decisions to do the wrong thing. What is wrong with me? Above all else I am not being true to myself. I am living a lie . Just writing this stuff irks me greatly. It is so not about what I believe and yet I'm living it. How does this happen to an independent intelligent woman? Good grief!
So the basic summary - I am in a marriage in which there is little communication. This has resulted in low trust and a lack of common direction. He is angry, I am passive - maybe passive aggressive because passive itself does not feel like the right definition. Neither of us are happy but I'm not sure that either of us could define what happiness looks like. I do not blame him - there are two people in this equation. The problem is that the equation just doesn't add up anymore. We can blame all of life's pressures - work, children, house - but if we looked deep enough the issues first and foremost start with us. Both of us.
A few months ago my husband shared that he had not been happy for the last 5 years. He wasn't sure that he wanted to stay. All I asked was a few months to get the house in order - we had just come out of construction hell and I want to ensure that if we have to walk away with nothing we do just that - that the debt is covered. We need to do some cosmetic work on the house. He later agreed to give it four months. That he would do what is necessary to save the marriage.
Great. What has really happened is me living on tenterhooks, wondering which straw is going to break the marriage. We are making long term spending decisions but with the very real possibility of short horizons. I don't know if he feels it, but I certainly do. Nothing else has really changed. We have done nothing else to make it better. And now, I don't know if I want to.
Things are terribly confusing right now. I do not know who I am and I do not know what I want. What I do know is that I do not want this. I do not like you very much life and that is so very difficult for me to write. I am an optimist by nature. I believe in good. I believe in people. I have lost the ability to believe in myself.
So what is this? What is "THIS" that I do not like?
I don't know even where to start - it's going to sounds like a big fat whine but I need to articulate it before I can deal with it. Right now it's all in my head and quite frankly my head is full... I cannot take in any more.
So a dump first. A list of things that I don't like and then a chance to reflect. This is not about being pretty - this is about saying the words.
1. My husband is an angry man. He has extreme views about his world and is vocal about them. He releases anger as a way to release stress. Confrontation and displays of anger create stress for me. While he is releasing, I am absorbing.
2. We do not communicate well. We never have. I filter information so as to not upset him. I do not share my fears/concerns because I don't want to upset him (ie have him become angry). This results me in shouldering much of the concerns for our family and our finances. It keeps me up at night.
3. I have become resentful. I feel put upon. I feel alone. It is an ugly feeling that I am struggling to let go of but I don't know how. Most of my resentment comes out when dealing with Mr 16. He is a selfish self centred boy. Some would say that is normal for this generation but that does not make it acceptable to me.
4. On a irregular basis hubby will say that he wants out of the marriage. It's usually in reaction to something small that has been building. I used to fight to not have that happen. I would fight to save the marriage. I do not want to fight any more. I am ready to walk away. I never expected marriage to be easy but I don't think that it needs to be this hard. I feel like I have normalized what is really a very dysfunctional marriage and that is now starting to be not ok.
5. I feel like I have lost myself during the last 13 years. By nature I believe that good will triumph evil, I see beauty where others don't, I see opportunity when things look bleak, I love the challenge of making things good. My husband does not have the same faith. He sees the darkness, he sees the stupidity, he looks for the downside. I am not saying that it's not there. I am not a pollyanna by any means but I don't believe that these things, for the most part, rule. I need to have hope. After all, what else can you truly have.
6. I do not like me. I have lost the ability to be spontaneous... a little voice is always whispering in my ear that I need to do the responsible thing. I have lost the ability to laugh. I can not articulate what brings me true joy other than feeling my daughters arms around me and hearing her say the words "I love you". I am resentful. I have abdicated responsibility for my health. It's almost like I am making purposeful decisions to do the wrong thing. What is wrong with me? Above all else I am not being true to myself. I am living a lie . Just writing this stuff irks me greatly. It is so not about what I believe and yet I'm living it. How does this happen to an independent intelligent woman? Good grief!
So the basic summary - I am in a marriage in which there is little communication. This has resulted in low trust and a lack of common direction. He is angry, I am passive - maybe passive aggressive because passive itself does not feel like the right definition. Neither of us are happy but I'm not sure that either of us could define what happiness looks like. I do not blame him - there are two people in this equation. The problem is that the equation just doesn't add up anymore. We can blame all of life's pressures - work, children, house - but if we looked deep enough the issues first and foremost start with us. Both of us.
A few months ago my husband shared that he had not been happy for the last 5 years. He wasn't sure that he wanted to stay. All I asked was a few months to get the house in order - we had just come out of construction hell and I want to ensure that if we have to walk away with nothing we do just that - that the debt is covered. We need to do some cosmetic work on the house. He later agreed to give it four months. That he would do what is necessary to save the marriage.
Great. What has really happened is me living on tenterhooks, wondering which straw is going to break the marriage. We are making long term spending decisions but with the very real possibility of short horizons. I don't know if he feels it, but I certainly do. Nothing else has really changed. We have done nothing else to make it better. And now, I don't know if I want to.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
A new day, a new blog
Words heal.
I find that writing is therapeutic. It is a chance to say the things that either
1. I did not want to say out loud
2. I did not have the courage to say
3. I was smart enough to keep to myself, or simply that
4. I needed time to mull over. Time to reflect
I have no idea where this blog is going to take me. I hope it leads to a better understanding of me. I hope it leads to me having a better relationship with me, but most of all I hope it helps me find me.
In case you were unclear...this is all about me. I need to give myself permission to make it about me. Me has become lost in my life and I need to let me life know that, in some way that needs to change.
I find that writing is therapeutic. It is a chance to say the things that either
1. I did not want to say out loud
2. I did not have the courage to say
3. I was smart enough to keep to myself, or simply that
4. I needed time to mull over. Time to reflect
I have no idea where this blog is going to take me. I hope it leads to a better understanding of me. I hope it leads to me having a better relationship with me, but most of all I hope it helps me find me.
In case you were unclear...this is all about me. I need to give myself permission to make it about me. Me has become lost in my life and I need to let me life know that, in some way that needs to change.
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